Solo Jimmy Eat World

[Erick Stryker]

He tossed the headset aside and took several fast, short breaths. His heart was pumping in overdrive, to the point where he clutched his chest and doubled over. Panicked, Jimmy fought to take deeper, more meaningful breaths, but instead released a guttural, anguished sound as he failed to remember the meaning of the word "calm." The dives were longer and more disjointed now, after the debacle with Szofrit. He'd started slowly at first, stopping only to eat or drink, and did virtually all of his sleeping inside of the game. Now that he had adjusted his body to the comatose state for prolonged stints, decanting into reality caused his mind and body to reel from the experience.

Pins and needles wracked his fingertips and the soles of his feet as he tried to put pressure on them, but the unfamiliarity of his true body caused pain when he failed to judge the amount of pressure he used, subsequently forcing him to go limp in order to not unintentionally do himself harm. He could feel the tears streaking from the edges of both eyes. Everything stung.

"Ow, dude..."

The pain in his stomach was like daggers. Despite getting used to the near-starvation mentally, there was no beating it physically. He struggled to reach for the IV drip that he'd managed to get his hands on to keep himself hydrated during the longer dives and tugged the needle free. "Smart move, Jim," he muttered to himself. "All that talk about not wanting to die, and you had to go and tell Ash you didn't intend on letting it happen."

In reality, Jim Rainer was used to letting people down. It shouldn't have felt as bitter as it did after all this time, but somehow, it had found a way to leave a foul taste in his mouth.

He managed to sit upright after a few minutes, slowly putting weight on his feet to reintroduce them to the sensation. "Man..." he groaned, body screaming at him. He remembered the way his mother used to remind him to eat when he was younger, excited about the day's events- back when there was still light in his eyes. Back when...

Hey Jim~

Hey Becca. You ready for Homecoming?

Yup! Guess what!?

Did Geoff ask you?

He told you he was going to???

Of course he did. He's my best friend.

Jim smiled fondly at the memory of Becca, the girl he'd known since childhood. He remembered her smile, and the way it had always managed to make his heart skip a beat. He also remembered how often Geoff used to talk about her, and how he wanted to marry her one day. He closed his eyes as he thought of the past, a time before Terrasphere, before everything fell apart.

What do you think?

What do you mean, what do I think? He asked YOU out.

I mean... yeah. What do you think?

Yeah, its great. You're both happy, right?

...yeah. Yeah, you're right.

"But that wasn't what I wanted to say."​

 

[Erick Stryker]

The water felt good against his dry throat. He had finally started to feel the pressure in his veins recede, which was a small comfort. The throbbing headache still had not abated. Jimmy staggered from the refrigerator toward the medicine cabinet, where he fumbled around until he found the acetaminophen and promptly threw back two tablets. He glanced toward a reflective surface and took stock of how bloodshot his eyes were. "What day is it...?" he grumbled as he pulled out his cell phone, tapped the lock button, and frowned.

"Damn, I really need to remember to charge this thing."

He froze at the sound of knocking on the door. "Huh?" he stared at the door in confusion. No one ever came calling on him. "Who's there?"

"Jim? Hey, Jim, you in there? It's your birthday, isn't it?"

Jimmy glanced toward the clock on the microwave. It was still early morning. He didn't have a read on what day it was, but the odds were that it could actually be his birthday. But why would Johnny ever come to see him on his birthday?

"Come on out bro, let's go grab lunch!"

"Stop fucking with me, Johnny," he shouted at the door. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Jimmy?"

"I thought I told you to go away!" he shouted as he barged toward the door, then through it. On the other side, his taller, younger brother stood with a warm smile. Without waiting for Jimmy to invite him in, the man walked through the door- through Jim himself, and into the apartment. "What the fu--"

"Man, it's been years since you moved out, but it never stops amazing me. You still like that voice acting stuff?"

"...come on..."

"I heard you were doing real well from mom! She's been following your career super close, see? She even bought me that game you acted for, even though dad wasn't super thrilled about it. He said you could come home if you really wanted to, you know? Don't tell him I told you that- he said he'd tell you if you bothered calling on your birthday..."

"Shut up." Jimmy's hands had balled into fists. His knuckles were white.

"Anyway, what do you wanna get man? My treat!"

"I said shut the fuck up!"

"Hey uh, you okay?" Jimmy froze and his blood ran cold. The neighbor girl, the cute brunette from next door, had popped her head in the open door and was staring at him blankly. Jim looked down and realized he was in nothing but his boxers, and he quickly looked around, grabbing a towel that had been haphazardly strewn across the arm of the couch.

"Oh, uh," Jimmy gulped down, covering himself and looking down at the girl's feet. "Your name's Sarah, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's Sarah. Are you doing alright? I heard yelling and hurried over to make sure everything was-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, sorry. I was arguing with my brother on the phone and I got a little too heated and... yeah."

"You should, uh, probably close the front door if you're having an argument," Sarah smirked "Must've been some pretty heinous stuff if he had you yelling like that."

"Yeah, pretty foul," he muttered. "Anyway, sorry for worrying you. Thanks for coming to check on me."

"Don't mention it, dude!" she tossed him a thumbs up. "Any time! What are neighbors for, right?"

"...yeah, what are neighbors for?" he agreed absently.

"If you don't mind me saying so, you're looking kinda skinny... you want to go grab something to eat?"

"Nah, I'll make something later," he smiled. "Thanks."

"You sure? I'll bring you something if you want..."

"No, thanks!" he said hurriedly. "I'm good. Lemme just close the door-"

"Oh, right!" she said, blushing. "Haha, my bad!"

"Haha," Jimmy said, as he closed the door.

"What the heck was that."

 

[Erick Stryker]

He fell onto the couch with an arm draped over his eyes, shielding them from the light. If only briefly, the headache was a bit less intense. "Why am I even thinking about this?" he petitioned the ceiling. "It's been almost six years."

"You're not going to prom?" His mother's face showed genuine shock. "I was sure you'd ask Becca! You two have been inseparable since as long as I can remember!"

"Nah, not really my thing," he shrugged.

"Not your thing my foot, James Rainer, everyone at that school knows you and loves you. Where's this sudden drought of charisma coming from, Son?"

"I've just not been feeling great lately, mom. It's not that serious."

"If you need anything, or if you want to go to the doctor-"

"No, no, I'm fine, I promise."

"You really should reconsider," she told him. "These are memories you only get to make once. You'll never be a senior in High School again."

Jim grunted indifferently... as he rolled onto his side and stared at the door he'd just closed. "Why now all of a sudden do I have to remember... that day."

He felt his eyelids getting heavier, the exhaustion that had been mounting suddenly cradling him in its arms.

 

[Erick Stryker]

"You seriously alright with him taking her?" Jim glanced at Keith as the older boy cast his rod out into the lake. "You're out here dickin' around with me instead of going to the biggest party in your High School career, missing out on a great night with the girl everyone thought you'd be going with."

"Yeah, everyone keeps telling me that. What do you want from me?"

"Tell me why you'd rather do something we could do any day instead?" Keith smiled sadly over at Jimmy. "Good friends as we are, I've known you long enough to know you don't miss big social events for no reason."

"Geoff's in love with her man," he shrugged. "I wasn't going to get in the way of that. My best friend would hate me forever if I just asked the girl he's into out like that."

"But you're in love with her too." Jimmy froze. He felt his blood chill as the accusation struck him, and the sinking feeling that he'd suppressed finally started to drag his heart down toward his stomach. After a lengthy pause, "and you're not even going to deny it?"

"She's..." he looked for words, struggling to find the right way to respond. Shaking his head, he lied. "She's like a sister to me."

Like a sister.

Like a sister.

"Like a sister, huh?" a familiar voice rattled through the fabric in Keith's shirt. Jimmy stared at his friend in horror as he realized what was happening. "So I'm like a sister to you, Jim Rainer? All this time, you've only ever seen me like a sister?"

"Keith- man, what the hell!?"

"Nah man, this is all you."

"Don't talk to him, talk to me," Becca said in an eerily calm voice as Keith pulled the phone out of his pocket. "I waited for you to ask me to this damn prom until the very last minute," she said coldly. "I waited and even after Geoff asked, I went to you to ask you how you felt about it, and you just said whatever makes you happy. I couldn't turn him down with that answer. Now I'm going to a dance with another guy, and you're just... okay with it."

"I'm... okay with it," he repeated, lying again.

"Have a good time fishing, Jimmy," she said, and the call clicked over to a dial tone.

"Keith, why-"

"Dude, Jimmy, what the hell is wrong with you?"

He felt his shoulders fall as reality sank in.

This is happening.

 

[Erick Stryker]

"Yeah, something told me you wouldnt feel much like fishing after that."

"I'm still pissed at you."

"Dude, you're making a massive mistake. If you don't try to make things right with this girl, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life."

"It's just prom, man," Jimmy refuted. "I give up this night so my best friend can spend the one chance he's got with the girl he's crushed on."

"So you give up your one shot?"

"It's not that simple, dude."

"Why isn't it?"

"We've been friends since we were kids dude. We went to each other's birthday parties, played games together, paintballed up in Watertown, I shot my first buck with her brother." He shook his head. "She's stayed nights out on the farm, she babysat Johnny when he was in diapers. You can't just transition from that to..."

"Why the hell not?"

"You just don't understand man," he could feel the tears threatening to flow. "There were so many times all I wanted to do was hold her, to kiss her, to just be next to her. The sound of her voice can calm me down when I'm mad. But dude, if I asked her out, then what? What if I lose the girl who's been my friend since before I can remember? What if everything changes, what if we break up, what if nothing is ever the same?"

"Dude, you're going to lose her if you don't ask her out."

"I just don't know what to do, man," the floodgates open, and tears poured out. "I have no idea what to do. It feels like whatever decision I make is the wrong one."

"The only wrong decision is the one you don't make," Keith told him. "If this is really what you want, if you're sold on making the ultimate sacrifice for your best friend, you can make that call. You can swallow the regret and live knowing that you did right by him, even if it loses you the girl you love. Or you can be true to your heart, make things right, and possibly drive a wedge between you and Geoff."

"That's not a decision," Jimmy choked. "That's a complete loss scenario."

"Sometimes in life, that's all the choice you have, buddy," Keith shrugged. "Luckily for you, there's no way out of making one of those choices," the man grinned.

"Yeah," Jimmy sniffled. "Your little phone call stunt locked me in. Asshole."

"Honestly? Becca's plan, not mine. She wanted to know what was going on. Now she thinks you chose to snub her because you see her as a sister. Even if she knows better, you kinda dug yourself a hole."

Keith rounded the turnoff from I-29 headed southeast into the city. "You think there's a chance I could fix it?" Jimmy asked. "Like, ignoring the fallout with Geoff for now?"

"The least you can do is try," Keith shrugged. "Dont worry, I'm already headed toward the Prom."

"You were planning on this from the beginning," Jimmy accused.

"Buddy, I've got regrets. I'm only a few years older than you, but I've already made decisions I can't change. I already have things I wish I could go back and do over. You're here with the once in a lifetime opportunity to chase this girl- I'm not gonna watch you fuck it up. Not if there's a chance you can do it right."

 

[Erick Stryker]

"Isn't this event formal attire only?" Jimmy asked incredulously.

"Should have thought of that before," Keith shrugged. "Too late for cold feet now, man."

Jimmy knew that the older man was right, but that offered him little comfort. With the bitterly summoned resolve burning in his chest, he pushed forward toward the venue door.

"May I see your ticket?" the chaperone at the entrance greeted.

"Oh, uh, I don't have one," Jimmy blinked.

"No ticket, no entry," she chided.

"No, see, I just need to talk to someone-"

"Here," Keith shoved past Jimmy and thrust a ticket into the woman's hands. "Just look the other way on his clothes, this time," Keith told her.

Jimmy stared blankly at Keith, who shrugged once more in response. "Look man, she had a real detailed plan."

He wanted to yell at Keith, but knew it would have been pointless. Jimmy hurried through the doors and into the Prom, and he looked all around at the happy couples dancing, friends socializing, and wallflowers nursing their drinks near the punch bowl.

Classic.

Unfortunately, Becca and Geoff were nowhere to be seen.

 

[Erick Stryker]

"Like, what are you even doing here, Jim?"
"I'm pretty sure you didn't have a date, and you're not even dressed up."

"Guys, please, I'm just trying to find-"

"Geoff asked Becca. Not you. You don't get to come in here asking where she is."

"So she's not here...?"

The two girls who Jimmy found barring his path were Emily and Amanda, Becca's two best friends. Emily was a bit more protective of her bestie, but the empathetic Amanda seemed already close to feeling bad for the man.

"They weren't vibing super well," Amanda admitted. "Geoff doesn't know about the phone call, but Becca got really upset. He suggested that they go lighten the mood with some drinks. She took him up on it pretty quick."

"Drinks???"

"Look, you have nothing to worry about, he'd never let anything bad happen-"

"You think I'm worried about her getting HURT?"

"Dude, calm down. You know this is all because you didn't ask her. It's probably going to turn out fine. She's a smart girl-"

"Where did they go, Amanda?"

The girls exchanged looks.

 

[Erick Stryker]

They had trucks on the football field and the track surrounding it. While the dancing and singing of the prom played in the backdrop, loud country music and bottlecaps marked the scene as Jimmy jogged out.

"Jimbo! I didn't think you were coming out tonight!"

The captain of the football team, Sid, was a generally cool guy, even if they weren't close friends. "Hey Sid," he replied, breathless. "You seen Geoff and Becca?"

"Those two? Aw man, you shoulda been here earlier if you wanted to talk to them- they're three sheets to the wind already."

He felt his blood turn to ice. "They're already drunk?"

Sid thumbed toward one of the trucks behind him. "See for yourself." The dark haired boy smirked. "Did you decide that you made a mistake not asking her?"

Jimmy frowned. He could hear them now, both of them, raucous laughter and slurred speech. "Jim?" Geoff sat up in the truck bed. "Hhhhooooooly shit, Jim, you showed up!"

"Well, look who it is!" Becca crossed her arms. "How's it going, bro?"

"Guys," Jimmy held his hands out toward them. "You're already loaded, you should start thinking about heading home for the night. Let me take your keys-"

"Broooo, you worry too much," Geoff laughed.

"No," Becca shot forward, pointing at him. "You had your chance to come out, to have fun, to enjoy this night, and you made your decision. You don't get to come here and start being a wet blanket now."

"Woah woah woah," Geoff put a hand on Becca's shoulder. She shrugged him off. "Easy girl! I get it! He's worried about us."

"He can be worried about us someplace else," she fumed.

"Becca, please," he said, more desperate now. "I'm sorry-"

"Too late for that now, Jim," she said. "I'm Geoff's date, and this is our night." She looked at him for a long moment, a long, painful moment, then turned and kissed Geoff on the lips. "Let's get out of here, Geoff."

"Uhhh... you got it!" Geoff said in his stupor, fumbling in his pocket for his keys.

There were a few words exchanged between them, but Jimmy couldn't hear them anymore. Their faces, other faces, everything started to blur together...

And then, he woke up.

 

[Erick Stryker]

The haze of restfulness gripped his vision and the world sounded as though it were submerged. Jim hadn't had sleep proper outside of Terrasphere in enough time that his body wasn't used to the sensation anymore. He hated the feeling of waking up almost as much as leaving a dive. The real world was just agonizing.

Especially with dreams like that.

"Mmmmrgh..."

"Time to wake up, sleepyhead!"

"....?"

Had his neighbor come in while he was sleeping? Jim shook his head and blinked rapidly, trying to cast off the shroud of fatigue, only to find himself face to face with-

"Becca?"

The name came as a hushed whisper, a distant sound that reverberated through the room until it grew as loud as his heartbeat. She leaned in, those all too familiar eyes bright and full of life. She was older than he remembered, several years older, but there was no mistaking her. He would never forget that girl, no matter how long he lived.

But they had never kissed. Not like she was leaning in for right now, not the way he'd always imagined it. Jimmy stared at her, eyes wide in disbelief and terror, confusion and longing. He closed his eyes, intent on letting it happen.

The taste of her lips never came.

Jimmy opened his eyes only to see a transparent form leaning over him, kissing someone on the couch where he had been a moment before. It was-

Him. They were kissing, but it wasn't quite him. It was him but not? She was here, but she wasn't-

"Oh fuck this," he muttered, his face flushing. "What the fuck. I'm hallucinating."

"Good morning, beautiful." !Jimmy greeted the love of his life, languid and well-rested, while the real thing clutched at his head and rubbed his temples.

"What the FUCK," Jimmy thrashed, hitting the wall adjacent to the kitchen. Several moments passed, a knock at the door interrupted the scene unfolding.

"Hey, dude, are you okay?" She called, checking the handle to see if it was open. Sure enough, the door creaked easily aside for her to enter. "Woah."

Jimmy lay on the floor, curled up, covering his face. He hadn't bothered to put on clothes, but the girl didn't seem to care about that as she rushed over and knelt next to him. "Are you good?" she asked.

What was he supposed to say? There was no one else there. "I... had a bad dream," he told her, honestly.

"Put some clothes on, I'll make you some lunch. Do you want to talk about it?"

 

[Erick Stryker]

He took a bite out of the sandwich, but it felt so foreign. A simple food, one he'd had so many times, but it felt like a new and strange experience. The flavors were what he remembered: crisp, crunchy lettuce, juicy and sweet but subtle tomato, salty and rich flavored ham...

But none of it was the same. Not the way it used to be. He was staring blankly at the food, chewing... and his thoughts were drifting.

"So, she wasn't your girlfriend?"

Jimmy blinked. "Huh?"

"The girl from the nightmares. Becca, you said? But you guys weren't dating?"

He shook his head. "It was never like that, nah. I mean, I never thought it was. Not that I didn't want her to be-"

"I get it. Sometimes things just don't play out the way we want them to. You don't have to explain it if you don't want to."

"...yeah, thanks."

"There was a guy or two I liked when I was younger, but people don't mature quick enough most of the time to realize what's important. I sure didn't."

"Yeah, I've heard that from a few people now," Jim murmured.

"So why are you that hung up on it?" she asked. "If you know it's not a big deal, and there's plenty of other chances for love, why have nightmares about this one? Sure, striking out big on prom night must've sucked..."

Jim smiled sadly, placing the sandwich down on the plate. He finally looked up, and Sarah smiled brightly back at him. "Hey, there he is..." she joked.

Jim gave a small laugh.

"That night, they got blackout drunk." That wasnt uncommon for couples on prom night. Sarah nodded along, listening quietly. "I tried to talk them into hanging around, but Becca was already upset with me and wasn't hearing it. Kept calling me jealous, and of course... Geoff wasn't particularly happy with me "cockblocking" him, either."

"Mhmm..." She frowned a bit, clearly not pleased with the direction that his story was taking.

"And when I asked them for their keys..."

"They died," she said. It wasnt a question.

He nodded.

"And you've been holding on to that."

He nodded again.

Sarah shuffled across the floor toward him, and she gave him a hug. "Jim... its not your fault."

The same tears that threatened every time he saw her face returned. The choked sobbing, the pain in his chest... the feeling of hopelessness.

"It's not your fault. You didn't make them drive."

He broke down, all over again.