Complete Private Pormont Excuse me! Anybody home!?

[Chako]

Chako felt like sometimes it was really hard to accept other people's point of view when it clashed with hers, but she supposed she agreed with Lucia overall... Differing points of view shouldn't be something that stopped people from talking to each other.

So, Chako nodded to Lucia's words.

She tilted her head when faced with the comment of being special though... "Isn't being lady Syndra's saintess special enough? I bet the number of people who can truthfully call themselves a deity's saint is probably on the single digits.

"And like... Does being special even matter anyways? Isn't everyone special in their own way?" That's what her mom always told her at least, and Chako agreed with her mom's view... Unless Lucia was like the villain of that old 'The Incredibles' movie that said that nobody would be super once everyone was super, then Chako could kinda get her point of view, but Chako still preferred thinking that everyone was special in their own way.

Then, Lucia seemed to be a bit troubled by Chako's comment on losing faith. Chako said nothing at first, and decided to wait to hear what Lucia would say next and... Well, Chako could understand why Lucia said what she did, but... "Well... You remember how I said that a part of what made worship lady Uene was that I was tired of praying to Earth's deaf god?

"Just... Imagine for a second that the goddess you pray for can actually hear you, and that she knows your wishes... Of course, gods can't grant every wish of every single worshiper, I get that much... But if lady Uene were to allow the world to be shaped in a way that goes in direct opposition to what I believe is right. If multiple people kept on praying over and over again, and yet had their prayers ignored as the world continued to move and shape itself to become an abomination that barely resembled the Arcia that I fell in love with...

"Wouldn't that be much worse than living in a world with a deaf god? At least Earth's god doesn't listen to my prayers, yanno...? Or well, at least I think it doesn't... Anyways, living with a deaf god, to me, just doesn't sound as bad as living in a world where my prayers are ignored by those who can listen.

"... That's the kind of thing that would make me lose faith." Chako smiled bitterly, "Don't worry though, I don't lose faith that easily... I still pray to Earth's deaf god after all, even after all those years of fruitless prayers... I just think even I have a limit." If the gods allowed Astorea to develop in a way that led them to create stuff like atomic bombs... That would probably be Chako's limit. But she didn't feel like there was any point in saying that out loud.

Or having Arcia essentially become a copy of Earth, with its highly advanced technology, AI, a life with no future prospects, pollution and devastation of the environment... Chako didn't feel like she would ever be able to live here if this is what became of Arcia eventually... She hoped that this kind of horrible future would never come to pass though.

"Ah, yeah, I'll try to keep an open mind, alright." Chako smiled a bit more naturally now, "And thanks. Having you around will definitely make it less scary!" She meant it... Even if she knew that the undead meant no harm, Chako was very well aware of how her Felis instincts did not really care about what her rational mind thought... And she definitely did not want to be anywhere near that Mortimer guy without Lucia for sure.

@Lucia Mierz

 

[Lucia Mierz]

'Special Enough' was a concept akin to a landmine for Lucia. For a brief moment she bit her lip to restrain the outburst that was boiling inside. Only when she tasted the metallic flavor of blood on her tongue from it did she gradually relax her tense posture.

"No... It's not... It-- It matters." Lucia spoke, a stammer in her voice, her breathing quickening even the more she thought about it. 'Special in their own way' though was what finally set her off. Lucia couldn't resist a sardonic smirk.

"Special in their own way is cruel Chako... To a little girl who used to get praised for crayon drawings and songs like she was an artist or idol until she grew up. Until she saw how many people drew better then her, how many people sang better. She couldn't even ask for help, because her singing and drawing weren't bad enough to need people to encourage or teach her, it was just 'enough'."

For a moment Lucia shuddered, bringing her hands up. She paused for a moment until her fingers dragged through her hair scratching her scalp as she continued.

"She tried drawing, singing, painting, instruments, sculptures, photography, writing, sewing, cooking, gardening... But it was all just 'average'." The itchy feeling on her scalp got worse as her hands dug through her hair as she continued. "That poor girl... She thought art just wasn't her thing, maybe she was meant for physical things but it was all the same, Soccer, Basketball, Flagfootball, Tennis, Sprinting, Jumping, boxing, martial arts of all kind but it was still just average--" The itching got worse as she tussled her own hair raking her nails through her scalp. "She tried Academics like math, physics, chemistry, biology, engineering, programming-- As she got older she went through business, investing, driving, fashion, modeling, metalwork, carpentry but there was nothing! Nothing that got 1st place-- Nothing bad enough to even get last place for sympathy!"

She was practically hyperventilating at this point. Unusually deep breaths, eyes chaotically darting about as she went through everything one by one. "She couldn't even blame life for giving her no friends or being unloved but she couldn't be popular or treasured. Even when she found one thing, her only thing, a thing she died for-- This place just casually unlocks it for everyone else! Even if a Goddess comes and visits me in person still someone else out there is loved more by their god to earn favors and stigmata instead of just being rescued-- I can't even blame the Gods for ignoring me or my prayers." By now her breathing was ragged and labored. Towards the end briefly dropping the mask of using 'her' or 'she' after unloading all of that frothing envy.

Still heaving breaths that gradually calmed even if they shook. She glanced towards Chako, sharply, her tussled hair a bit wild after all of the clawing. "Some of us don't get to be special so easily Chako... With no one to blame, because nobody wants to hear the complaints of someone who's doing 'okay'." There was spite in her words, venom but there was no real target. As she said, Lucia didn't have anyone to blame or anything to really complain about. That was what made it all the more bitter and empty for her when she calmed down again realizing she'd just lashed out needlessly.

Lucia tried shaking her hair out to fix it, combing it with her fingers. She herself was a picturesque example of an alternative. A person who the God's heard just enough to do something, but not enough to make grand changes. As with all things relating to Lucia, it was just enough... Average.

"I don't think you have anything to fear about that. Like I said, it's not like the Gods listen to every single prayer. There's some type of balance... some kind of system to prevent it from being crazy."

Lucia eventually offered once she was stable enough to not stammer or stumble when speaking. When she was finally in good enough condition to continue on, she tried a meek smile as she gestured for Chako to join her.

"I'll walk you out at least, you don't have to force yourself to be fine with it if it's still unsettling. These things take time." She offered before trying to walk Chako to the edge of camp where she could scamper off to do her thing.

 

[Chako]

Chako listened to Lucia talk... She was confused about why being special would matter, but as Lucia elaborated, it became clearer. Chako saw not only how Lucia started raising her voice, but also how she moved her hands, how she hurt herself...

It was... Pitiable. That's what it felt like to Chako. A feeling she truly despised due to how used she was to being on the receiving end of it, but it was how she felt as she heard Lucia speak... Someone who couldn't appreciate what she had and just had to always strive for more, never really taking the time to love everything she had already conquered.

Chako was sure that plenty of people were extremely jealous of Lucia and would be very glad to be in her place if they could... Even Chako herself felt a bit of that. What's up with she having no disabilities and being a goddess' saintess? Wasn't that amazing? And she apparently went through multiple jobs too, while Chako doubted if she would ever get a job for herself? How much more of an enviable position did Lucia want to be at?

And yet, Lucia was not happy with that at all, she wanted way more than that... Chako tried to rationalize it, tried to understand where Lucia was coming from and find some common ground to speak from.

By the time Lucia finished, Chako had found something... So she hugged Lucia and said, "I get it... I don't get how it feels to experience all you did, but... I understand what it feels like to not be good enough. To think that the future looks bleak when considering my current capabilities. I get what it's like to be good at something, but not good enough to stand out... That's how I feel about my work prospects in the future. I'm worried I won't be able to make a living from music because I'm not good enough, and I don't think there is anything else I can do that is good enough to compete against AI." To be more precise, she was confident in her harp, but she didn't think she had the means to actively invest on herself as a musician until she eventually managed to get a job at an orchestra... The chances just felt too slim to be realistic.

... Would the message get across to Lucia? That she wasn't the only one who could be frustrated by not being good enough at something? Chako didn't know... But this was her best shot at it. It was the least she could do after that feeling of pity came out... Chako was really annoyed at herself for looking at someone else like that. She really hated it, but she couldn't help what she had already done. She could only try making amends in what way she could.

Then, Chako forced herself to not click her tongue when Lucia said that there was some 'system' in place in regards to the gods... This kind of talk really annoyed her, "Yeah... I don't think lady Uene or any other god will betray my faith in them." Chako decided to comment. It was a vague enough reply, but she felt like it delivered the message well enough.

"Thank you, I'll be in your care." Chako finally let go of the hug, and then tried to hold Lucia's hand so as to let Lucia walk her to the edge of the camp.

@Lucia Mierz

 

[Lucia Mierz]

There was a bitter emptiness in her after the outburst. It made her sigh, feel exhaustion, it was always a little overwhelming, but it was what made her magic as dark and cruel as it was. If it wasn't for that heinous and unreasonable Envy of her's, she would never have been a dark mage in the first place.

Though there was one part that Chako did get wrong. When Lucia noticed it it made her smile slightly, a gentle and kind smile despite her own internal struggle. The kind of gentleness she felt someone for someone who's eyes hadn't reached that deep into the darkness to see just how pitch black it was.

"There's a point where being forgettable is worse then being bad dear. In the event you worry you're not good enough to be 'good'. Don't close your mind to the chance that you can at least be bad enough to be 'bad'." She spoke reaching out to Chako's shoulder, even going so far as to bend enough to meet Chako eye to eye while standing. At least for Lucia, this was advice from someone who knew that it wasn't about being the best, because even the worst could stand out. "If you're good at something, never do it for free and if you're bad at something, never do it alone-- Try your hardest dear, fail catastrophically... As long as you were truly trying your hardest and you failed horrifically, it will draw in others to carry you whether you want it to or not. Though I'm sure that might not be what you want, it is the power of being 'bad' at something."

Lucia didn't know Chako well enough to really point out or guide her in that respect, but it was a logic Lucia had come to understand. A person running in perfect form could win a gold medal, but a person falling on the ground unable to get up as they struggle with all their might crawling forward will draw help from anyone with eyes on it. In the same vein, Lucia didn't doubt that if Chako tried something with all her might, if she was talented she would do well, but if she failed badly enough people would still watch her for her journey.

Of course, Lucia didn't want to stay on that topic. The ichor of envy did taint her mood. The dryness in her smile and the feeling that her normally pristine plastic smile was more exhausted was tough for her who liked to maintain an image of one of those successful few.

It wasn't lost on her though that Chako seemed to bristle when it came to her word 'system'. It made Lucia chuckle as she tried to clarify. "I don't mean some kind of computer system dear. I mean something like 'checks and balances' or 'mutually restraining forces', that there is something restraining them from getting too involved from beyond the event horizon, or maybe it's taxing to answer a prayer so they have to be picky and choose-y. They could even be mutually restraining each other so none of them get too far ahead or too popular, it's hard to say, but there is a 'reason' a 'system' they work within that has rules and structure that they use to make decisions about what they can and cannot do, understand?" She explained the framework imagining a pantheon almost like a governmental body, no particular individual really got to do whatever they wanted chaotically without oversight somehow.

With that cleared up though, she would lead Chako out, trying her best not to surprise the girl with any more undead popping up.

 

[Chako]

Lucia's words weirded Chako out... She really had no idea what Lucia was getting at... Does she just want attention or something? It felt like an absolutely ridiculous conclusion, but Chako really couldn't think of anything else.

So, Chako sighed, "Look, I've lived my whole life being pitied by almost everyone I met, okay? It's not a nice feeling. It's not that I don't appreciate people being willing to help if they see me struggling to move my wheelchair somewhere in the rare times that I'm moving by myself," usually very short trips, like to the grocery store or something, "but that doesn't make the overall sensation any better. It just feels terrible, okay? Getting the attention for having a disability does not feel nice at all.

"And like, sure, here in Arcia I used to trip and fall a lot... You think I liked that? That I liked hearing the children in Honeyhome making bets on how many times would I fall during my dance practices? No, I didn't, that was a terrible feeling. The only thing I liked out of all that, was when I slowly improved and became able to walk and dance like a normal person, so the kids eventually stopped making bets, and I eventually felt confident enough to move out of Honeyhome on my own.

"Nobody 'carried' me the way there. At most I got the usual annoying pitying gazes, and some people offering me a hand to get up again. The dance lessons I got didn't have anything to do with the fact I couldn't move my legs properly, I simply met a friend that was a pro dancer and she gave me some tips... And then I had to put in the effort to work it out and learn how to do that while also learning how to move my legs."

Chako sighed once again, "Yanno what felt much much better than all that? Playing. My Harp! Doing something I'm good at! Who cares if I'm not good enough to make a living from this back on Earth!?" Well, Lisa cared, "It's still way better than being stuck on a wheelchair 24/7!

"Gods damn it, Lucia!" Chako stomped her foot, "You're Syndra's saintess! Stop being so full of self pity! You have no idea how many people would dream of being in a position like yours! Anyone who cares about the gods in the slightest would be filled to the brim with envy in the moment they hear about the blessings you have received! I would already be overjoyed if I got a mere hint that lady Uene noticed me! You got so much more and can't even appreciate it!? What's wrong with you!?"

Chako took a deep breath, then heaved a fairly long sigh, "Sorry for ranting, I guess... But what else was I supposed to do when you started talking about being bad at something being a good thing, like... Hello? Disabled person here? I think I can speak with property when I say that being disabled is pure garbage. Like, come on!" Well, Lucia was talking about being bad, not about being disabled... Bah, whatever. She'll get my point.

Chako then took a few more deep breaths as they walked, trying to calm herself down as Lucia brought up what she meant with 'system', "I seriously doubt the gods really care about popularity..." Though Lucia bringing it up did make Chako wonder if she really just craved attention that much... The more she thought about it though, the crazier the idea sounded, "But I can imagine that they have their own set of rules regarding divine intervention in the mortal world. Like the stuff that led to lady Rhiannon's punishment and all that."

Chako took a small pause, then remembered to add, "Ah, and thanks for clarifying what you meant... I do appreciate it."

@Lucia Mierz

 

[Lucia Mierz]

Not attention, for Lucia it was something deeper, an empty feeling she was fighting to try and absolve and correct, some kind of space that needed filling but nothing quite seemed to fit. To her, it didn't feel right to feel pride for something that others could do better, it wasn't right to feel passion for something that others could perfect and hone from a much more disadvantaged position then her.

A life wanting a purpose but not feeling good enough at anything to dedicate herself to it.
A life wanting a dream but not struggling hard enough at anything to need to overcome it.

With nothing better, all she could do was dedicate herself to creating a purpose in spite of that, and dream of one day finding that something. For now, that something was creating a place for undead, a hope that she could become a messianic figure for them so that she could have some kind of legacy or some kind of goal.

As Chako went on though, Lucia had a hard time restraining herself. With a bitter expression she wondered if she should speak her mind. That the negativity 'pushed' her, the 'adversity' carried her, she even said herself she worked hard so they stopped making bets and could confidently forge her own path.

When the girl got to the end of her rant, Lucia only smiled, shaking her head as she reached out a hand to pat her again.

"Chako, dear, 'normal' people don't get stories of rising up and improving like that. 'Average' people don't have friends who are professionals at something they're bad at to help. This molded you into the talent you are today."

Lucia offered as an outside observer. 'Normal' people worked dead end jobs, raced like rats on a wheel; wake up, work, eat, sleep. Struggling against the routine, fighting for a change of pace, for anything to stand out and feel different.

Thinking of herself though Lucia's smile sharpened, a small grin as she clarified.

"I am of course. Syndra's saintess; The Gray Saintess, it's a moniker I made myself for a reason. Gray because i'm where Divine and Dark Magic overlap as Envy and Hope, who trapes through a world devoid of color. I'm not so sure I would call it self-pity though dear as bitter as I do sound over it."

Once upon a time she might have agreed and called it pity, thought of herself as pitiful but now as an adult she didn't feel deserving of pity. All that was left after all of her efforts was a loathing, a self-hatred and spite. It was what let her view herself so flippantly and allowed her to disrespect her own life by throwing away reality in favor of being an undead.

And when that day finally came, the 'her' that was 'normal' could finally die and be cast off. Ideally on the other side she would finally get a chance to experience 'special'.

"Until next time then Chako." She tried to offer, when the girl left Lucia would remain briefly seeing her off safely, eerily certain that there would be a next time.